Healthcare for All?

A viral status has been floating around facebook today. I felt I should share it, well my version anyway.

No one should die because they cannot afford health care, and no one should go broke because they get sick (except Hitler, the entire cast of Transformers, the executives at fox in charge of canceling firefly, futurama, and arrested development, and whoever keeps stealing my sodas out of the company fridge). If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.

I don't usually procrastinate this much.

Just finished my taxes. It asked how I wanted to receive my refund, but a childen's swimming pool filled with 910 $1 bills hand delivered by Barack Obama in a car modded to look like the starship Enterprise wasn't an option. Change I can believe in my butt.

They put the ire in Ireland.

In Ireland, the drink "an Irish Car bomb" is considered to be very disrespectful. They prefer to call it "a dirty protestant car bomb."

Is it because I'm a man?

I take acting seriously. When I am told to read a speech aloud, I give it with the emotion, depth, and mannerisms of the original speaker.

Unfortunately, it wasn't a drama class.

And the reading was an excerpt from Sojourner Truth's "Ain't I a Woman?"

Ambitions

Should my far left views, athiesm, outspoken attitude, or long history of ranting about things on the internet prevent me from being a Senator, I would like to be a stand up comedian. Oh why couldn't I be a gay pedophile. That never stopped anyone from being a Senator. Well, a republican one anyway.

We can play in Zebra constumes.

I am forming a White Stripes cover band with a bass guitar and rhythm guitar. We are calling ourselves the black stripes.

This is the only thing I learned from Biology.

I like my eggs ovareasy.

It's stupid

I really hate Grammar Nazis. I know some who feel the need to exert their moral superiority over you by pointing out when you make a small mistake in English grammar. One of the mistakes that people harp on, thinking it makes you retarded is the it's v. its.

Typing "it's" in a sentence like "we are taking its place" is pretty logical. When you want to show possession you put an apostrophe. The dog's bowl. Smith's car. But we also use apostrophes for contractions like don't and can't. So when I am typing along and I think that I want to assign the pronoun "it" as possessive, I would do the logical thing and put in an apostrophe. ZO NOES, now you look retarded. Well fuck you. Nobody thinks "dog's" is a contraction for "dog is" but it just kind of gets fucked. Really, we should stop being so lazy with contractions anyway and just always have to spell out "it is" and leave "it's" to be possessive like everything else.

English has a lot of stupid, arbitrary distinctions. If I do what I think is logical because I am typing and thinking quickly, it doesn't make me dumber than you because you remembered in which case we decided to let it's/its keep its apostrophe.

So really grammar nazis, fuck you.

Why you should read my blog

My blog loves America. It once single-handedly pulled saved a bus full of orphans from Kim Jong Il on 9/11. My blog loves America so much that if you don't read my blog you hate America, which is good because I don't want any America haters reading my blog.

It's the Chronic! What? Cles of Narnia

The Chronicles of Narnia could have been a lot better if they had been more upfront about the Christian analogy. Just have Aslan eat a gay person or something.

Going Dutch

So when I was in high school I was talking to one of my friends. I asked her about her plans and she said she was "Going Dutch." I immediately asked if there was a Dutch food place nearby. Apparently, going Dutch means paying for your own bill. Seems like a pretty bad stereotype for the Dutch. I figured it was more of a jew thing myself.

Thing to say when someone tells you to do something

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my real dad*.

*Does not work on your real dad.